Writing a Funny Best Man Speech: 34 ready-made jokes to include

Jun 19, 2016 | Best Man

As best man, you will need to be eloquent, witty and entertaining… so, no pressure. Don’t worry though, we have all the material you need for a funny best man speech below!

funny best man speech

We have lots of great jokes and one-liners that always amuse a crowd and will help boost your confidence, making it an easy task to create a funny best man speech.

1. “So where do I start with Jack? Jack is handsome, clever, witty, generous, char….cha… Sorry, mate, can’t read your writing. You’ll just have to tell me that part later. Anyway…”

2. “What’s the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Out-laws are wanted.”

3. “Jill, you are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful husband. And I promise you I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong here.”

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4. “Jack is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; in fact, he even wrote this section of my speech!”

5. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.”

6. “For anyone itching to hit the dancefloor, the band will start shortly after the final toast. Which reminds me, 20 years ago, Jack was told by a doctor that he would never dance normally again. When the band starts, you’ll see exactly what that specialist was talking about.”

funny best man speech

7. “I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Jack and Jill’s wedding. Jack made me compete for this honour today, but I was able to beat Mark the Bartender over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!”

8. “To be very honest with you all, I am slightly nervous making this speech in front of a packed room. All day, people have been wishing me good luck and someone even gave me flowers. Well, when I say ‘flowers,’ I mean ‘a wreath’…”

9. “I know it’s tradition, but I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Because of this, I’ve excluded all the controversial and embarrassing things I know about Jack and instead will only talk about his good points. Thank you and goodnight. *sit down*”

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10. “Jack was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the Bride and Groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…”

11. “I found the speech length really difficult to settle on. At one point, it ran to almost 70 minutes, so I cut it down to a five-minute speech but I just felt like too many important things were being left out. So I came to a compromise – I’m going to read the five-minute speech. Then straight afterwards, I’ll do 70-minute one and you guys can tell me which speech I should use.”

12. “It really is impossible to praise the Groom too highly; in fact, while writing this speech, I found it impossible to praise him at all!”

funny best man speech

13. “Arranging the seating at a wedding reception can be tricky and sometimes even political. As Best Man, I wanted to help so I offered to take the job off Jack and Jill’s hands. To keep things fair, I used the wedding present list, and put those who spent the most at the front, and worked backwards. Whoever bought the egg cups won’t be able to hear about my amazing seating system, as they are currently out in the car park.”

14. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologise for not being an experienced public speaker. I’m probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it’s not my notes – it’s a picture of the triple Jameson I’m going to down as soon as this is over.”

15. “I really think marriage is going to be great for Jack. It will teach him loyalty, kindness, compromise, self-restraint, fair play and all those other qualities he wouldn’t need if he had just stayed single.”

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16. “What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now rising to the top of his industry based solely on his intelligence, grit and willpower? A man whose charism knows no bounds and who has already distinguished himself amongst his peers? Because I’m trying to write my Tinder profile and I’m having trouble summarising myself.”

17. “Jack was in a pub when he proposed. No, really, it was actually very romantic – he got up on one knee.”

18. “I’d like to start this speech by telling you how amazing Jack is. I’d like to, but…”

19. “As Best Man, it is my duty and my privilege to tell you all about the groom and the things that happened to him in the *age* years leading up to what WAS the happiest day of his life until I began this speech.”

funny best man speech

20. “God, it has been a very emotional day – even the cake is in tiers.”

21. “Good evening, ladies and gentleman. If there is anybody here who is feeling nauseous, nervous or like they’re stuck in a big black hole with no way out, you’re either me or you just married Jack.”

22. “I just heard there was a lucrative pool on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 40 minutes, so settle in…”

23. “So, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve known him for many years and can tell you that he’s handsome, witty, generous, charismatic, intelligent…whoops, sorry, wrong wedding.”

24. “There is an unwritten wedding rule that states nobody should look more handsome than the groom and while there was nothing much I could do, short of wear a bag on my head, I’d like to thank the other groomsmen for doing such a great job.”

25. “For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Peter. I have been Jack’s friend for two days now, after he approached me on the street and gave my €300 to make this speech.”

26. “Before I begin my speech, there’s just one order of business I’ve been asked to take care of. *Hold up pair of trousers with padlock on them* These are Jack’s Chastity Pants. I know he’s given keys out to various ladies over the years, but since he is now a married man, he’d like to get those copies back, so Jill is the only one with access.” *Wait for the keys you strategically handed out to wedding guests to be brought up*

funny best man speech

27. “I know Jack really well, but I wanted to get an idea of how other people see him, so I spoke to some of his colleagues who actually told me that his nickname at work is ‘The God’. It’s true. Apparently he makes up his own rules and if he does any work, it’s usually a miracle.”

28. “On Jack’s first date with Jill, he wanted to make a great impression, so he promised her a seven-course meal. It has to be said, she was a little disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack.”

29. “His colleagues describe him as a first class banker. He works in X, so I may have misheard them…”

30. “My name is Peter and as the Best Man, it is my job to tell you the truth about Jack. A gentleman, a hard worker, a loyal friend, a charismatic guy, a health nut, an inspiration – he is none of these things, but I’m sure he has some other good qualities otherwise he wouldn’t have landed the lovely Jill.”

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31. “My parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet *sit down*.”

32. “I’m Peter and I’m the Best Man. The purpose of my speech is to give everyone here an introduction to the Groom. Many of you don’t know him very well and by the time, I have finished this speech, many of you will wish you didn’t know him at all.”

33. “My name is Peter and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but shut up – I know your secrets.”

34. “I’ve been told I won’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie.”